Evolution

For once, I didn’t feel sad after going home. Times have changed or let’s say I have changed. Further, I think my parents have changed. Even further, I feel they are making an effort to change.

 

For years, going home was more of a duty for me. Going there and within a day it felt pathetic. Seeing parents arguing, shouting amongst them is something I (and my siblings) have grown up with. Although, my parents and siblings fail to confess but we have had all problems; fighting, little expression of love, minimal hug/kiss, dominating, control freak, thankless and snobbish attitude, moments of extreme animosity and extreme love, no-trust on anyone, use people followed by superficial gratitude, showing-off as if we are a great family, interference in small details -you name a problem and we had it.

 

All these things had a deep negative effect on me and dominated my behavior towards my parents for a long time, before one fine day, I realized that to buy peace for myself I had to patch up with parents, come what may.

Some 5 years back, I realized that no matter how much I hate them, I can’t stop my mind from thinking about them. So, I made a call, expressed my love for them and gratitude to making me what I am. Thereafter, I made it a point that I kept expressing my love for them from time to time.

Now love expression, in Indian context, comes with a lot of other not so good goodies; it instills confidence in the other person to come up with many more suggestions, unwarranted corrective actions and the huge expectations to follow them.

If I tell them to shut up, it is followed by a long sulking phase.  If I let them go on, I get unsettled.

Yet again, getting unsettled was my problem, not theirs.

 

Slowly with a lot of fumbles, I learnt to say ‘no’. For anything proposed, I had only one answer, “No”.  I cut down their expectations to zero, but reminding them of my love and that they can suggest anytime but I am free not to follow it.

This idea was bought over by them with huge effort and pain. Even now, it’s not all rosy; I keep hearing some suggestions to which I don’t react anymore but then when something goes wrong, I am told, ‘Weren’t you told before what to do in this situation?”

 

At the time of my marriage, my relationship was all time low with my parents.

With time, I made other things important for me. The silent current beneath this was the decision that parents don’t deserve a visit. More importantly, I didn’t feel at peace when I was there.

Somewhere deep in my heart, I always feared that they are old and who knows what news is to follow on a given day.

For a few years, I didn’t visit them on the most important festivals (for them). I didn’t even bother about their feelings associated to it.

 

I had problems with their overloaded expectations. I encouraged them to express. They obliged. Now, I had problems with their quality of expectations. Effectively, in the disguise of things wrong in them, I was incapable in dealing with their expectations. I admit they are tuft parents but one can’t give up just on that.

For many people handling such things comes very naturally. I can vouch for those for whom it doesn’t.

Whenever they would visit, I would present a politically correct front. Try my best not to get caught in an argument. How much limited interaction I would have with them, at some stage I expected that they will understand my point of view, appreciate how I think and how I am trying to mend the relationship in which they see don’t a problem because of their denial attitude.

 

Many a times, I presented confrontational front. That would upset them thoroughly. Eventually I felt sad about what happened.

 

Avoiding or not thinking about the problem doesn’t solve it anyway. I was getting back to square one, getting fed up with myself and my efforts. I was reminded yet again by someone: do a lot of good to the world but don’t forget to patch up with your parents.

 

I empathized that they had a sad life but I tended to blame them for what they have made out of their lives.

 

Then, with inputs from learned people, I decided that I will keep my strategy very clear – will work to make them feel loved and wanted, clearing communicating that it’s fine to differ, work to heal their deep hurts not by changing myself according to them but by coming up with innovative ideas, not react to their accusations, not telling them that they are wrong every time when they are wrong, hate them lesser than what I used to, hear them even if they are criticizing me brutally and not answer back.

 

Even though I tried some healing meditation, at times I wondered whether there will be some genuine emotions and love left in me after this calculated effort or not.

 

Times seem to have changed now. Last one year of efforts are showing some silver lining. Earlier 2 visits to home although ended up in bitter upsets for me but it had a very positive effect on them. Both times, I got upset at the last hour and later on had to tender apologies for how I left home. In spite of this I sensed that they are trying to change, at least for me – to keep me happy.

 

This time my stay at Diwali was 5+ days (with wife and 2.5 months baby) – longest in many years – and final hour presented me the same situation. I didn’t like it, my mood switched off and I couldn’t recover thereafter. But I made sure that I left in a manner that I didn’t have to give an apology call a few hours later.

 

Although I was unsettled for a few hours in the train but looking back, it’s a great feeling. The situation is much better.

The by-products are pleasant, undoubtedly. They sound happier and contended with their life. I admit I have changed but I haven’t changed they wanted me to. I changed in a way that gives all of us peace.

 

Even though they are not the greatest of parents but their not-so-great traits don’t bother me anymore. It’s not that I have strategically solved the problem of life by establishing peace with my parents but certainly in an amicable set-up you can love someone more than what you would have done otherwise.

Just that it took me almost half of my life to understand that to change someone you need to first change yourself.

 

Recently, a person told me something he read on a passing-by truck, ‘syam mein sudhar sabse badi samaaj seva hai’ (evolution in oneself is the best way to serve the society)……I am ready to sign on that.